Pursuing Presence

Every decade or so I experience a bout of existential OCD that spans roughly the same length of time as a season, during the experiences, the concept of infinity plagues me. Picture a set of scales in ever-so-slight motion, on either end a weight of almost equal measure. Like that, my mind teeters incessently between two possibilities: either we exist forever or death marks a finite end. Both outcomes terrifying me in almost the exact same measure. The experience can really only be described as the sensation of being buried alive, only by existence - fun right?

Give or take i’ve endred about three of these major existential rodeos, despite the horrors (and incessant therapy), I’ve slowly learned to view these experiences as opportunities to delve deeper into the trauma at their core rather than let them swallow me hole. I’ve begin exploring how I might harness these states to cultivate new energies and perspectives.

"During my winter 2024 episode, I began working with the tool of acceptance (shout out to 12-step). If I have to exist forever, infinitely, with no way out, then perhaps I could learn to make that reality feel less overwhelming and terrifying. I remember sitting in my living room, decorated 70s swinger-style and dimly lit by some incredibly gay lighting, when a download hit me: I wondered to myself, 'What do I enjoy? What makes me feel good?', and astonishingly, I had no idea how to answer it...As simple as the words or concept sound, I believe experiencing these insights for the first time is entirely different from simply thinking about them or reading them in books. It was bizarre, I had, no. fucking. idea. what made me feel good.

I experienced this mental health crisis as an enquiry from my higher self, an invitation to bring my psyche back to basics, to the most rudimentary and fundamental building blocks of my being. What feels nice? It may seem basic, but for those inflicted with CPTSD of the childhood variety - you know that your core being (and nervous system) exist in a constant state of survival, somethings for decades before you come to learn there may be another way….The somatic environment required for contemplating, let alone experiencing rest, rejuvenation, joy or the experience of thriving are not typically made available until much, much, much un-learning as occured.

So on this round on the existential spiral, I made it my business to begin exploring what made me feel nice. I once read a book pyschomagic by Alejandro Jodorowsy, he explained how the subconcious has no concept of language, it can’t understand nor communicate cognitively, the only way you can communicate with it, and your higher self, is through image or symbol. So as a way of learning and expressing non-verbally - I’ve decided to explore the things that bring me joy through film photography - i don’t want to think too much, i don’t want to plan I don’t want to chastise myself for creating images that may not be technically correct, all i want to do is document what brings me joy in any given moment.

And that’s what this space will be in service to - welcome to…Pursing Presence!